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| brokeback summer: by Ryan Cowdrey
Summer! Wheeee!
Fireworks! SizzleyBop!
Ice Pops! Hooray, so GRAPEY!
Sunshine! Sweaty! Shiney!
Outside Play! Splash! Hopscotch!
Sticky Nights! Naked Slumber!
Summer! Wheeeee!
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|  "Update your xanga!" cries the little yellow post-it note clinging fraily to my monitor in its wee post it note voice. "But post-it, I'm feeling quite fatigued, my fingers havent the strength to forge such a grueling composition" I murmur in the most pitiable of tones. "But theyre counting on you Ryan," post-it note pleads in a near intimate whisper..."Theyre counting on you." And you know what xanga reading community? I cant ignore this awesome responsibility, or the talking post-it note on my monitor any longer. I owe you an update, and an update is what I shall give you. It is time to pull out the defribulators of creativity and apply a shock to the heaving chest of the xanga community.
Life since November the Seventh, in the two thousand and fifth year of our Lord ( the last time I posted ) has been a bitter mixture of Gods goodness, and lifes inevitable difficulties. Noting the latter, my Nana passed away during the first week of "holiday" (for the sake of my jewish readers) vacation, but I was blessed to have the opportunity to say goodbye at her bedside. On the lighter side (no pun intended) my Nana being, well... husky if you will, was then cremated to avoid the expense of the extra large casket her frame would have demanded. I loved her immensely (still no pun intended) though, and it cast a shadow (still no pun intended) over my break. On the lighter side of things (okay this is just getting rediculous) I am overjoyed to have achieved the occupational position I have aspired for since before I had concious control of my bladder- Part time waiter at Friendlys. Laughable? I challenge anyone to tell me the seven steps to friendly service... Anyhow, come see me sometime, I'll slip you an extra peanut butter cup in your monster mash. In other news, I have been spending more and more time with my "friend" Samantha Who must be pretty special to get mentioned in the hallowed platform of xanga) Its so refreshing to be making friends like her, zach and donovan after struggling so hard all the way through high school to find a comfortable social niche.
This is the portion of my xanga where the chit chat ends. If you have no desire to read about anything serious, leave now. Ill even give you a link to something hilarious, here: www.votehillary.org
Okay, I want to thank everyone who commented on my last post, it was overwhelming to read your guys' responses, and to feel a connection with people I havent talked to in months, and some Ive never talked to at all, on such a personal issue. Right now my most serious struggle would have to be with regret. Most of it has to do with wanting to regain innocence and self respect that Ive disposed of in the last couple years with about as much discretion as my toe nail clippings. "I'd trade wisdom back in for innocence," As Ben Jelen puts it so eloquently in one of my favorite songs right now "slow down" ( download it and listen to it while reading this for climactic emotional effect ) There are things Ive done and experiences I was once proud of that I now desperately wish I could take back. Sometimes reflection on my past prevents my ability to find joy in the present, or see the opportunity the future offers. For the sake of anybody who is convicted about this, I have encouragement for you though. In the book of Isaiah, God tells us "Fear not, for thou shalt not be ashamed: neither be thou confounded.... for thou shall forget the shame of thy youth." In Hebrews he tells us "I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more." I think those are some pretty freakin cool verses, and if you want to cut through the "thous" and "thys" ill give you the Ryan paraphrase: "Quit pissing and moaning about what a piece of trash you are, because if God has let it go, then why are you dwelling on it?" Just a little nugget that I hope sticks in the mind of anyone who has actually read this far.
Well friends, the hour is late, and the post-it note is asleep now, so I feel no remorse in signing off. Leave me one if you love me, and if its personal dont hesitate to shoot me an email at rcowdre1@mvnu.edu I swear Ill get back to you. You stay classy.... PLANET EARTH
p.s.- about the whole post-it note thing... I apologize, in retrospective reading, that is the dumbest paragraph I think Ive ever written
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| I just indulged in eight ounces of the most sinfully delicous meaty seasoned chili goodness that 99 cents can buy a poor skinny college student... I have found that instances in which I am counting out pennies scratched from hellish depths of my futon sofa for impatient acne ridden cashiers have increased dramatically in frequency since I began college... Gone are the days where I used to sigh and casually flip through my twenties trying to find a one dollar bill for a bowl of chili... Anyhow, if you are in college i KNOW you feel me. So I went to the buckeye game yesterday, first one ever, but it was an unconventional visit to Ohio Stadium. Instead of the traditional role of mingling amongst 100,000 new friends, lusting after AJ Hawks beautiful hair, and cursing the uber-conservative playcalling of Tressel, I was wearing an apron and asking never ending lines of people if they would like jalepenos on their nachos. Yes, I was a food service volunteer ( with $40 gas money, a free hat, and of course free admission to the game thrown in to sweeten the deal.) I would have cleaned pidgeon poop from the field goal posts if it meant getting into the game though, so manning the nacho station wasnt such a bad deal at all. Kari, I know you read this, and this sentence is just for you... I served your brother a hot dog, isnt that amazing? Thats all I had to say. Okay, Im not sure really who reads this, but I am going to use my xanga soapbox to say this in hopes that it might mean something to even one person. I have kept somewhat of an eye on the lives of those that I graduated with, and have seen a pattern that I believe applies to most people our age, and certainly many who arent- frustration with life. Believe me, I battle it too... every day. Sometimes every minute of every day. I dont know if anyone has enough respect for me to take to heart what I have to say but please at least finish reading what I have to say. I am not trying to say I have had a hard life, comparitively to some, but it certainly hasnt been without struggle. I have battled depression for a good while now, most recently and severely this summer. Ive never felt like I have ever had a comfortable social niche.. I had a relationship with a girl that I loved for two years, but we dont even speak anymore. I was never a serious partier, only because Ive done it enough to know that happiness never lasts into the morning. I have a distinguishable talent (art), but being good at something doesnt give me a sense of purpose or satisfaction. I think everyone sees that this is going the whole "God" route, but I want you to know that I have tried that too, and it has left me as empty as everything else. But that is my fault not Gods. We are at a stage in our lives where we are all searching for purpose, and for something that seems like such a simple, yet unobtainable concept- happiness. That is not the only thing I have in common with most of my generation, I also share the mistake of looking for it in all the wrong places. Happiness isnt inside a successful relationship, or at the bottom of a bottle. I daresay, happiness is not even inside a church. The only place we will ever find lasting contentment, is in our actual relationship with our God and savior, Jesus. I know some are nodding heads in agreement, and some are rolling their eyes and exiting my website, but take it as you will, it is the only thing I have worth telling anyone about. Maybe you think you have tried the whole God thing before, but as I have, maybe you missed the point. Living a spiritually fulfilled life doesnt come on Sunday morning, helpful as that might be. You dont need to be surrounded by televangelists and people speaking in tounges handing out tracks to experience God. God isnt interested in showing up at all the places we expect him to be. He wants to be there with the drunk, the one with no idea what they want for their life, and the one who doesnt know what to do with their life after a relationship has ended. He has been there for me, and Im tired of using him as a crutch only in those times. Maybe the whole concept of God just seems absurd, and I sound like a psycho, but I am willing to put my sanity in quesion if it means someone might give him a chance, not for me, but for yourself. Your problems wont go away, and you wont ever become a perfect person, but you will have something tangible and real to walk through all of lifes trials with. For the sake of rambling on, just tell me please if you have any interest in hearing more, I would really like to talk to you. I love you all
Wish I had what I needed
To be on my own
Cause I feel so defeated
And I’m feeling alone
And it all seems so helpless
And I have no plans
I’m a plane in the sunset
With no where to land
And all I see
It could never make me happy
And all my sandcastles
Spend their time collapsing
Let me know that you hear me
Let me know your touch
Let me know that you love me
Let that be enough
-Ryan | | |
| The monthly update has arrived for those of you who's sustenance feeds from hearing a paragraph summary of all the near excitement and monotony of my vanilla life. In other words, since the last time I posted, I have witnessed a total of zero drive-by shootings, I have been in the center of zero inter-gang brawls, I have not thrown up, broken the speed limit, tried a new dish, or gotten engaged. I have stood, sometimes sat, breathed almost all the time, and slept even more. So yeah I went to Louisiana with about 50 people from the college for the Katrina disaster relief trip. It was definitely a fulfilling experience, not much water balloon fight or pie eating contest type fun, but more of the "I may have 120 bug bites to the tenth power, but these people dont have homes" type deal. Deet sucks. So for the nazarites here... what did you think of the revival speaker? Now, maybe I am stereotyping, but I am quite accustomed to revival speakers coming from the "turn or burn" demographic of evangelists, and this fellow was considerably more dry than the pizza crust I just found in my sock drawer.. Did this strike anyone else as strange, or was Satan putting his Satanic Satanness in my mind to take away from the teaching? I quite enjoy being screamed at from time to time by elderly clergy, but in the case of this revival, if I closed my eyes and relaxed my mind oh so slightly, he could very well have been snoring into the microphone to the same effect. In other news, I have gained ten pounds since the beginning of college, hanging a total of 170 pounds on my 6 4 frame... I realize that this shouldnt concern me, but I wish my weight would distribute a little better, it seems to enjoy my navel area as opposed to dispersing out into more needy areas such as my arms, legs, or earlobes. Oh well, I personally believe I would be cute with a mini-gut, but I might hold off development of said gut until my 40's. Shoutouts to Dr Lebron Fairbanks for conquering a bout with abdominal bleeding, to my room mate for being able to kill bacteria with his farts, and to Professor Ingersol for sounding like Forrest Gump on anti depressants. You stay classy San Diego | | |
| Okay, I just heard the dumbest song ever concocted by mankind, and it has quite ruined my day. It goes something like, "I'm not okaaaaaaayy, I'm not okaahaaaayy, I'm not okayyyyyy, Im not okay.....I'm not okaaaaaaaayyy, yeah, I'm not okayyyyyyyyhaayyy yeah, I'm not okay. I'm not okaaaaay hey I'm not okayyyyyyyhay yeah I'm not okay. I'm not okayyyy, I'm not okayyyyyyhayyyyyy yeah, I'm not okayyyy. Anyways, I'm not sure what the song is called. But it really pissed me off that somebody somewhere is smoking dope in their pool, nursing a capri sun, and fanning themself with royalty checks they are receiving for expressing a pitiful whiny sentiment with guitar accompaniment. Truly a skidmark on the character of mandkinds underpants. Well, what is new? Let me tell you. FACEBOOK. Does anybody realize that it sucks? Apparently not, seeing as how everyone with a brain and genitals has one. Even I have one, only because I would fear social ridicule if I didnt post a picture of myself and say a few mundane things that nobody cares about anyways, such as my favorite quote, and whether I am interested in boys, or girls for instance. Everyone knows it is just a competition just to see who can have the most good looking people on their friend list, so dont bother requesting me if you are an ugly person. Seriously. I'm not okaayyyyyhayyyy yeah, I'm not okaayyyyyhayyyy. See, isnt that annoying? Okay I wasnt serious about the whole ugly person thing, I realize I'm not Fabio myself. Everyone who reads this had better write on my facebook wall, AND comment on my xanga. Otherwise you will have bad luck with love for the next ten moon phases. Okay, I made that up, but I want to feel like people love me. Wow, upon review, this has been a very negative post as of yet. Hmm, I'm not even in bad mood. I think I'm going down to Louisiana with a bunch of kids from the Naz during midterm break to help clean up from the hurricane (that President Bush caused) for a few days. That crazy guy, starting hurricanes to persecute black people! Hah, points for originality though, I mean Hitler just wouldve lined them up against a wall and shot them. Im not okaaaaaaaayyyyhaayyyy yeah! Anywho, shoutouts to oxy pads, for the pleasant burning sensation they leave upon application to a zit, to whoever wrote that not okay song for capitalizing on the American dream, and to cafeteria food for rocking out with its ( naz appropriate ) pee pee out. Oh, and to everyone who still thinks that xanga is better than facebook. You stay classy San Diego....
-Rye | | |
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